Confidence comes from so many things. From life lessons, experience, to success with the opposite sex. It's not just a switch you can flip, but it is something that you can develop with time, self-patience, and understanding.
No one is born confident, it is something that is earned through practice and understanding of oneself. If you want to be sexually confident, it is important to first be comfortable with your body and your sexuality. This means accepting yourself for who you are and being okay with your sexual desires and fantasies. It is also important to be confident in your abilities to please your partner and to be comfortable communicating your needs. Sexual confidence comes from knowing who you are and being comfortable in your own skin, but also in your ability to listen to your partner for what makes them tick, and to be present in the moment.
Let's take a look at everything to do with sexual confidence, from the psychology behind it, to the practical things you can do to increase your own.
Understand the Psychology Behind Confidence
Confidence is often thought of as a personality trait, but it is actually a state of mind. This means that confidence is something that can be worked on and developed, even nurtured and grown. Just like any other skill, the more you practice being confident, the better you will become at it.
There are two types of confidence: self-efficacy confidence and self-concept confidence. Self-efficacy confidence is when you believe in your ability to do something, while self-concept confidence is when you believe in yourself as a person. For example, self-efficacy confidence would be believing that you can please your partner during sex, while self-concept confidence would be believing that you are a good and desirable person.
It is important to have both types of confidence to be sexually confident. If you only have self-efficacy confidence, you may doubt yourself and your abilities when things don't go as planned. If you only have self-concept confidence, you may not even try new things or put yourself out there because you don't think you're good enough. Having both types of confidence will give you the ability to try new things, to experiment, and to be okay with making mistakes.
Why Are Some People Not Confident?
There are a number of reasons why someone might not be confident. It could be because of past experiences, such as being rejected or feeling like they're not good enough. It could be because of low self-esteem or a lack of experience. It could be because they're not comfortable with their body or their sexuality, or it could be a combination of all of these things.
The important thing to remember is that confidence is something that can be worked on, no matter what the reason is for someone's lack of it. With time, patience, and effort, anyone can become more confident.
So if you're wondering how to be sexually confident, the answer is that it starts with you. It starts with understanding the psychology behind confidence, and it starts with accepting yourself for who you are. Once you're comfortable with yourself, you can start to work on your confidence in your ability to please your partner.
7 Steps Towards Becoming More Confident in Bed
Now that we know the psychology behind confidence, let's look at some practical ways to increase your own confidence.
1. Don't Just Focus on the Physical
So often, we get caught up in thinking that we need to have the "perfect body" to be confident. This simply isn't true. Confidence comes from within and has nothing to do with your physical appearance. When you start to focus on your inner confidence, your physical appearance will become less and less important.
While this may sound like platitudes, it really does work. The more you focus on your positive qualities, the more you will believe in yourself. The more you believe in yourself, the more confident you will become.
So what if you feel like you don't have any positive qualities? Well, everyone has positive qualities, it's just a matter of finding them. In bed, this might mean focusing on the things your partner enjoys about you. Do they like the way you kiss? Do they like the way you touch them? Do they like the way you make them feel? The list goes on.
2. Communicate With Your Partner
One of the most important things you can do to increase your sexual confidence is to communicate with your partner. This means being open and honest about your wants, needs, and expectations. It also means being willing to listen to your partner and to take their wants, needs, and expectations into consideration.
Good communication is the key to a good sexual relationship. If you can't communicate with your partner, you will never be able to please them the way they want to be pleased. It can be such a confidence boost when you know that you are giving your partner exactly what they want, or you can do things that you never thought you could do for them. So when in doubt, communicate!
3. Get rid of the Negative Thoughts
One of the biggest things that holds people back from being confident is negative thinking. We are often our own worst critics and we can be very hard on ourselves. If you want to be more confident, you need to start by getting rid of the negative thoughts.
Start by identifying your negative thoughts. Do you always think that you're not good enough? Do you always think that you're not attractive enough? What about your actual performance in bed? Does it meet your standards? When you find a negative thought, or even a pattern of negative thinking, challenge it.
Reframe these thoughts into positive ones. For example, instead of thinking "I'm not good enough," start thinking "I'm doing the best I can." Or instead of thinking "I'm not attractive enough," start thinking "I'm beautiful/handsome just the way I am." It may seem like a small change, but it can make a big difference in how you feel about yourself.
Change these thoughts into positive affirmations and say them to yourself every day. The more you say them, the more you will believe them.
- "I am not as good as their ex" -> "I have my own talents and qualities that make me special"
- "I wonder if they think that I'm attractive" -> "I am confident and comfortable in my own skin"
- "I'm not sure if I'm doing this right" -> "I am exploring and enjoying my sexuality"
4. Be Willing to Try New Things
One of the best things you can do for your confidence is to be willing to try new things. This means being open to new sexual experiences and being willing to experiment. It also means being open to trying new things outside of the bedroom, like a new hobby or activity.
When you're willing to try new things, it shows that you're confident in yourself and your abilities. It also shows that you're not afraid to step outside of your comfort zone. This can be a major confidence booster, both in and out of the bedroom.
New things in the bedroom can be as simple as a fantasy that your partner has that you're willing to try, or it can be something more adventurous like anal play or bondage. Whatever it is, be open to it and give it a try. You might be surprised at how much you enjoy it.
5. Listen to Their Needs More Often
In any sexual encounter, it's important to be attentive to your partner's needs. This can be a difficult thing to do if you're not used to it, but it's important to remember that your partner is not you. What turns them on might be completely different from what turns you on. Plus, even if you think you know what they want, it's always a good idea to ask.
The more you focus on your partner's needs, the less you will focus on your own insecurities. By making your partner feel good, you will also be making yourself feel good. It's a win-win situation.
So what does listening really entail? It means being present in the moment and being aware of their body language, their words, and their sounds. It means being responsive to their touch and taking the time to explore their body. It means being open to trying new things and being willing to experiment. Try playing with different speeds, different strokes, different positions, and different levels of intensity. The more you mix things up, the more fun you will have and the more confident you will feel.
If your partner is female, don't forgot that vaginal penetration is very rarely the be-all and end-all of sex for women. Most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, so make sure you give it to them. Don't be afraid to ask for directions. Many women are more than happy to tell you what they like, and the more you know, the better.
6. Be More Assertive
One of the biggest problems that people have in bed is that they are not assertive enough. They either don't know what they want or they are afraid to ask for it. This can lead to a lot of frustration, both for you and for your partner.
This doesn't mean that you need to be pushy or demanding. It just means that you need to be more confident in what you want and more vocal about it. If you're not sure what you want, focus on what you don't want. For example, if you don't like something that your partner is doing, speak up and tell them. The more specific you can be, the better.
If you're afraid of asking for what you want, start small. Instead of asking for something big, like anal sex, start with something smaller, like trying a new position. As you get more comfortable, you can work your way up to the bigger things.
Keep in mind that maturity is needed for a healthy sexual relationship. This doesn't mean that you need to be perfect, but it does mean that you need to be able to communicate with your partner. If you're not sure how to do this, there are plenty of books and articles out there that can help you.
This blog post is for educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or other professional advice. Your specific circumstances should be discussed with a healthcare provider. All statements of opinion represent the writers' judgement at the time of publication and are subject to change. Phoenix and its affiliates provide no express or implied endorsements of third parties or their advice, opinions, information, products, or services.